Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it

[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?

millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.

My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.

For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.

{about to have sex}

Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse

Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco

I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial

Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.

University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,

saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her

I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring

I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.

Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.

Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.

“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”

-Me laying face down on the floor

Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.

BARTENDER: how do you take it?

ME: personally

Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.

My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing

Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)

6yo student: My grandma has that dress.

My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!

Me: Impressive feet!

FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit

ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids

FRIEND: no it’s the best

My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord

Stranger: Your children are angels

Me: So was the devil

Me: Table for one, please.

Waiter: Would you like to see the men–

Me: YES.

My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.

Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.

my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far

I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.

somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.

It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.

Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions