Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something

you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner

Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks

[dinner at fergie’s house]

fergie: what do you think of the food i made?

me: it’s ok

fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?

Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?

My cat:…

Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.

Me: Will it make my dinner?

D: No but-

M: Good talk.

How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?

She should play the lottery too !

I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”

Me taking notes in a meeting 😅

Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.

i wish we could shoplift online

A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.

I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes

She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”

I’d help her, but I want to see if this works

Me: Please finish your drink

4: Don’t say it like that!

Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you

4: Okay

It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”

Like imagine if donuts could run.

👾👾👾

In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.

Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea

“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.

“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.

I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.

What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?

angel 1: what are these?

angel 2: strawberries

angel 1: you forgot the seeds!

angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?

angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside

god: *passing by* ooh nice

Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?

BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.

“Preventative care” means something totally different during parenthood. {moves glass of orange juice away from edge of table}

Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.

The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.

Him: I hope I die first.

Her: Aww you can’t live without me?

Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.

this sign has the same social anxiety i have

Inspirational Quote Of The Day..

me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time