Actor: How would you rate my ability to take direction?
Director: Below average.
Actor: *bellows* AVERAGE!!!
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Lmbo
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign