Actor: How would you rate my ability to take direction?
Director: Below average.
Actor: *bellows* AVERAGE!!!
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DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
I’ve started doing my makeup before getting dressed in the morning because, if we’re running late, my husband may argue I don’t need makeup, but will never argue that I don’t need clothes.
Hey babe, are you my 47th open browser tab, because you are not responding
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
I don’t have read receipts on my phone because why would I tell on myself like that?
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus