Actor: How would you rate my ability to take direction?
Director: Below average.
Actor: *bellows* AVERAGE!!!
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Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
My wife bought a bag of mozzarella sticks from Costco in case 1,100 kids stop by the house.
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*