this post was so formative to me
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You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
Yup
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more