Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
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Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?