Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
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Me: bro, spot me
Guy at next urinal: no
I’m 30 but I still feel like I’m 20
Until I hang out with 20 year olds
Then I’m like no, never mind, I’m 30
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
What the FU..
(I have a master’s degree)
*gives up horoscopes for Lent
*caves and reads horoscope
“You are weak willed and lack conviction”
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world. So i’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave