A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
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Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
Harsh but fair
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
gentlemen, hear me out
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
can’t bark with your mouth full
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.