ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
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ah yes….my favourite videogame
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
The first five days after the weekend are the hardest.
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
Breakups are hard but have you ever been disappointed in the food you ordered
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?