ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
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Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
The idea that librarians spend all their time telling children to shush is an unflattering, outdated, and severe stereotype. We actually spend all our time telling children to stop running.
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.