Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[after my funeral]

Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—

My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.

“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”

“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers

I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.

#goodplan

interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired

me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood

Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.

Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.

Intellectual powerhouse.

Right here.

In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.

“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”

-the new GPS app from Allrecipes

[9 PM, Sunday night]

Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.

good work, everybody

Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes

Informant: why?

Me: for spilling the beans

Informant: I didn’t-

Me: shut your fern gully

Informant: what

Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy

Informant: ok now you’re making these up

Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur

I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift

He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.

me: *using chocolate coins as currency*

clerk: those are not legal tender

me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth

(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.

Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.

Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.

Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics

I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.

WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?

ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone

I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.

More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.

And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.

So cis people are super normal

*Infinite space outside*

A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!

Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?

” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.

Said no one ever.

Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.

Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown

Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life

Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!

[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t

Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?

– my brain at 2:00 am

I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up