*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
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KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
I’m trying to shower you with affection. It doesn’t matter how I got into your bathroom.
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.