Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.

I ordered a pizza.

I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.

Is it free if it’s 5 years late?

What am I gonna do with a river?

Could you cry me a beer?

I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living

I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.

It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts

I’m not lazy

There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar

Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)

very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away

please lobotomize me

“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.

wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you

me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife

wife: on your coke though?

It’s too bad he never woke up and chose violence. “Bob Ross, mob boss” has a nice ring to it.

Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.

One of those leashes parents use for kids but it’s to make sure my friend doesn’t leave me alone at a party

Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up

Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?

W: Oddly specific but yes

Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry

me: i lost my luggage.

airport worker: did you carry on?

me: *sigh* how can i?

In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.

My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”

“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”

– every stoplight

In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.

Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…

Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.

Writer: No.

Disney: Just her mom?

Writer: No.

Disney: Her dad?

Writer: No.

Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?

Writer: Nobody dies!

Disney: Get out.

When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?

I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.

Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.

When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.

we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease

“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child