Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes

Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts

I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking

When can I start eating bats again.

The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.

Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right

Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.

You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.

I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up

My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it

The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.

If you think voting is pointless wait until you hear about writing posts here.

Not my fault if the kids give up too soon

You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.

Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.

Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?

Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.

I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.

I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.

Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.

my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.

Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”

Modest Mouse: Float On

Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On

tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell

Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid

5: they also didn’t have cars

If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.

Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.

you shouldn’t have to go to work tomorrow if the mayor is getting arrested

I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.

I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.

WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT

No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*

*instantly make it worse

So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits

I say yeah I do…

And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀

Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw

Interviewer: Why do you want this job?

Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food