Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
You Might Also Like
I thought there had to be another explanation for why they disappear but a repairman just took apart my washer machine AND IT WAS FULL OF LOOSE SOCKS
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.