Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️

bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1

My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.

The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.

I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone

🤣🤣🤣

Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.

She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?

Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh

u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home

I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.

*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form

[bank robbery]

Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it

On a Zoom call at work today, a coworker said she was going on mute because she had found an emergency stash of biscuits, and was trying to eat them all before her kids came home. We all applauded.

my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued

But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡

Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.

I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.

Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW

Driving in Europe vs Canada

So, I got banned from the toy store today…

Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.

Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”

I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.

date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.

me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*

the composer

Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!

Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.

I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll

“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”