Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
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What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
181.
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
<- sleeps well with others
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???