@SleepingSuspect

Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”

You Might Also Like

@nyquills

Me: this horror movie is completely unrealistic.

Wife: shhh

Me: the main characters are so stupid look at them walking into an obvious trap.

Wife: shut up and watch

Me: bet she’s a witch and he was under a spell the whole ti-

Wife: ffs it’s our wedding video!

@bigTman001

Cop: You know why I pulled you over sir?

Me: Because you suck at finding rapists, murders, molesters, thieves, and arsonists?

@TheWriteStuff2u

Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”

@DiamondLou69

Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?

You do now.

@GuyConfused

No, I’m not damaging my liver. I’m about to sterilize it using alcohol.

@TweetPotato314

Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter

Me:

Interviewer:

Me:

Interviewer:

Me:

Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired

@MelvinofYork

Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what

@KKAlThani

Can’t believe Nintendo didn’t make a commercial for the Wii where a guy breaks up with a girl by saying “It’s not you, It’s Wii”.

@ThRealBallsDeep

I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.