Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
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freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.