Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”

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Me: this horror movie is completely unrealistic.

Wife: shhh

Me: the main characters are so stupid look at them walking into an obvious trap.

Wife: shut up and watch

Me: bet she’s a witch and he was under a spell the whole ti-

Wife: ffs it’s our wedding video!


Cop: You know why I pulled you over sir?

Me: Because you suck at finding rapists, murders, molesters, thieves, and arsonists?


Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”


Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?

You do now.


No, I’m not damaging my liver. I’m about to sterilize it using alcohol.


Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter






Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired


Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what


Can’t believe Nintendo didn’t make a commercial for the Wii where a guy breaks up with a girl by saying “It’s not you, It’s Wii”.


I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.