Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
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[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
It be like that sometimes 😆
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
Aliens traveled millions of light years to get here to visit New Jersey.
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
googling “effect vs affect” in an incognito window