Actually cracking up @ this
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April 1st is the class clown of days.
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
You did. You thought of vanilla with meat, you absurd rutabaga. Go put yourself in the corner and think about what you’ve done, while blaming the recipe author for your own stupidity.
(Recipe was for Hamburger Steak with Onions and Gravy)
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
Update on my fitness journey: at the farmers’ market my wife handed me a bag of celery and said, “careful, it’s heavy.”
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.