Actually cracking up @ this
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“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
[walking past my neighbor cleaning up all his yard skeletons the day after halloween] holy fucking shit what happened here
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
i’m laughing very hard in real life
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman