Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
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If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
when i’m president, i will add an additional hour between 6 and 7pm
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
Never let them know your next move 😂
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
Don’t go keto, go pirate. Rum, fish and beef jerky diet 💯
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
Great news everyone! the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.