Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
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Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
I’m confused about plants
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
Siri, fight Alexa.
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind