Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
You Might Also Like
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
happy halloween
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
they split up moments later
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!