Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel

A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.

[Takes dog to park]

*waits for romantic comedy to begin

Me: do you love me?

Siri: I’m only your assistance.

Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.

Siri:there are two bridges near you.

SEVEN DEADLY SINS

Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting

[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please

To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news

me: sorry we’re late

st peter: what happened

grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic

[squirrel meeting]

Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator

Owl: hoo

Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen

why is being alive so expensive. I’m not even having a good time.

Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work

My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.

Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?

It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.

Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there

my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow

me: yes

my mom today: do u work today

me: yes i already told u

my mom when i’m at work: where are u

Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.

I need to sieze this.

Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.

According to all these BMI charts…

I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.

OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!

I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.

Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump

Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.

I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.

Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*

Co-worker:

If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services

I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old

*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*

*silence*

Am I even in the right parking lot?

Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”

Me: OMG I feel amazing!

WebMD: sounds like cancer!

I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.