Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
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wiping my hands on my pants before i shaking someone’s hand so they spend the rest of the day wondering what i just touched
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
Me in 2022: when will my child talk
My child in 2024: WELL MOMMY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT I AM FINKING NOW? I AM FINKING ABOUT MR. WOGERS WENT TO THE ZOO AND SAW A PANDA. IT IS DARK. MOMMY WE SHOULD GET A WANTERN FOR OUR PORCH. AND A VERY SHORT STORY IS ONCE UPON A TIME THE END
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
For the first half of my life, I thought you could only poop at home. Now I know you can poop anywhere
– my 5yo, unprompted
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls