Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
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My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
Today’s the day I’m gonna’ make the onions cry.
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave