“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
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This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
May have had one breakfast too many
Of course I have critical thinking skills I’m thinking critically of you right now.
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
just remembered my uber driver who messaged me that he had to stop for something and showed up 12 minutes late with chocolate on his face
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.