“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
You Might Also Like
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
I wish I could put an AirTag on my sanity.
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
After I drink coffee I show my empty cup to the IT guy and say that I have successfully installed Java. He hates me.
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
Growing old is a process of saying “it’s probably nothing,” with increasing frequency and increasingly being wrong.
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
My neck, my back, my…
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
Not much more embarrassing than going to play hoops with a friend and they’re thinking basketball and you’ve guessed hula.
Tammy is short for Tamuel
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
