actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
You Might Also Like
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
I’d like a truly deep-dish pizza. One or two fathoms.
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
Found the job I’m suited for
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
per my last wtf
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
My sister in law texted the family chain this morning “prime rib” completely out of the blue and not a single person has responded.
when I was a toddler I couldn’t sit still on my first airplane ride and the flight attendant’s response was to simply take me into the cockpit to bother the pilots
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye