actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
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Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?