Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: why is my water bill always so high?

Me in shower:

I get it laundry no one is doing me either

The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.

If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in

“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”

“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”

I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.

Me: How much for the doggy in the window

Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here

For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”

‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.

I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.

Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*

Me: Sweetie, you need to share

Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35

I hate when my cat runs into my bedroom and hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in my bathtub holding a crucifix.

No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies

If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”

DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN

ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues

DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun

ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no

When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.

Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.

*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*

Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.

Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.

Priest: Murder, my child?

Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.

Priest: *gasp*

[job interview]

“Tell me about yourself”

*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*

I’m a risk taker

I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn

I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.

We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.

Jim ate my sandwich.

It was clearly labeled.

Jim’s email is open on his PC.

Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.

The sandwich was LABELED.

How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).

Define “toned.”

-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps

The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.