Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?

8 to reassure the public
7 to blame the other side
5 to form a conspiracy
3 to debate its importance
2 to sabotage the lightbulb
1 to screw the lightbulb into the toilet bowl and declare the problem solved

“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”

I’m a bad influence on myself.

My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.

I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.

I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.

*goes to bed at 5pm*

Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday

People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.

Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low

[Entomologist Meeting]

Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?

Guy who named the fly: A crawl?

G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd

what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit

[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”

Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat

I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.

5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend

#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself

PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.

Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.

My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.

INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?

ME: shape shifting

INTERVIEWER: is that so?

INTERVIEWER: yes

INTERVIEWER: holy shit

“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast

There is no “five second rule”…

Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.

They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.

Me: *lifts couch cushion*

6yo: what are you looking for?

Me: six thousand dollars

Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.

I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.

Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!

Changed the office dress code from formal to smart-casual. Staff thought it’s because I want to be a hip, cool boss & make people feel more comfy. That’s not the reason. The reason is that we recently had our eleventh male employee getting his tie trapped in the shredder.

[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.

ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*

BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”