Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
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*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
They got a point!
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
Air conditioning – not a fan
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me