Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?

Me: it’s my autobiography.

if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently

[watching the avengers with my wife]

(scene where the hulk appears)

me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek

Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy

I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.

It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.

Ovenable?

One of my henchmen asked “ey boss what da heck does Hench mean” and I had to shoot him in front of the others. I looked up the etymology in my lair later and it was actually kinda interesting

Technically, all the money I have ever spent on food has been flushed down the toilet.

My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.

Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”

You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids

*House Hunters

“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”

Breaking news:

INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat

ME: omg was I supposed to bring one

I’m as full as a tick on a tampon

PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.

ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building

I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.

had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep

My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.

So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.

Then we had a duet and my point was missed.

[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much

Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.

listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”

I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work

The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.

What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.

Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.