Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
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I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
paramedic: [shining light into my eyes] what’s the last thing you remember
me: the question you just asked
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
merriam-webster followed and then unfollowed me. not very definitive of them
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
“A little help here, Danny?”
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
“bury me loose” will never ever be bested 😭
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]