Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no

I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.

*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*

Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.

Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.

Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.

Me: Orders takeout.

[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.

You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.

“Hi, I have an appoint-“

“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”

mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes

kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*

Them: What did you make for dinner?

Me: Arroz con pollo

Them: What’s that?

Me: Chicken and rice

Them: Why didn’t you just say that?

Me: 🤦‍♀️

My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’

When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.

My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.

Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.

9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.

Me: That’s every culture son.

Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?

i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely

GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.

ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.

GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”

ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.

Lord Of the Rings is a story about a brave little Hobbit on a mission to destroy a ring and save the world, and his annoying friend Frodo.

[watching video of an amazing feat]

Age 20: i could do that

Age 30: he’s amazing

Age 40: doesn’t that guy work

*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives

(McDonald’s bathroom)

*pulls away from kissing*

You’re better than my mirror at home

For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense

Nobody:

Absolutely nobody:

3: Mommy, I hid your phone.

[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!

Doctor: Please step on the scale

Me: No weigh

“i’ll be back”

–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume

Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date

I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days

oh shit