Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
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When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.