Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
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If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
You are what you delete.
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
Hot wings have killed many people starting with a dude named Icarus.
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
Practicing safe sax
