Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.

all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second

According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to

Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.

I hate what you’ve done with the place.

I am having fish and chips for lunch.

*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*

So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.

How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?

~ all countries

I have always been pro people but my god you f***ers have ground me down.

Facebook is so funny. It’s a group called Black Jeep owners and a white man posted him and his black jeep and said “totally misunderstood the group name but I’m rolling w it. I love it here.” 💀💀

Ffs 🤦‍♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again

Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?

Priest: We’re in Church!

Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.

I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.

DOOO EEEET

Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.

*puts bike helmet on 4*

my brain: now knock on it a coupla times

me: why?

brain: you just gotta

Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes

Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy

Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}

M: Nearly done now

C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}

M: All finished

C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}

M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles

[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes

Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS

I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane

my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place

Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..

My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.

Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]

Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills

Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills

Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired

Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go

Interviewer: dammit

Men love me.
Germs fear me.

Or vice versa, whatever

CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*

Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.