Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
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*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
“If you don’t ask, you don’t get” isn’t always true because I definitely did not ask you to be such a massive tw#t.
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets