Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it

If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul

Woman: I make my pasta from scratch. Have you?

Me: I’ve made ice from scratch.

Rain chat:

“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”

website: select a security question

me: ok

website: make of first car

me: nah

website: mother’s maiden name

me: nope

website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp

me: bingo

You can now get 100% accurate weather information direct to your smartphone. Simply open the camera app, take a picture of the sky then look at the image.

I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.

no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls

“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*

“Am I the only one who-?”

There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.

I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.

Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.

What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?

Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.

May take them away tomorrow too.

netflix: are you still watching

me: no

netflix: then can i watch what i want now

Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.

My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.

HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.

Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here

Me: what?

Mailman: what’s in the package

Me: oh I thought u meant my house

Mailman: no haha

Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol

Mailman: for real what is it

Me: oh bowling balls without holes

it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something

Adam: are you naked?

Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig

I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.

The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?

Mother: We named you after my father

Me: Yeah, I understand how time works

Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait

911: *sigh* did he have –

Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again

Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.

Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.

My safe word is extra cheese

…in queso emergency.

A lot to unpack here…

But…girl rabbits don’t either.

Also…does Christ lay eggs?

zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf

“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.