Actually it’s pronounced “jaslight” – you’ve been saying it wrong the whole time
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Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
If you drink a lot of water, you won’t have time for other people’s drama because you’ll be too busy looking for a bathroom.
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!