Actually it’s pronounced “jaslight” – you’ve been saying it wrong the whole time
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I accidentally poured vodka on my orange juice this morning. Twice.
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
respect
If Brussels sprouts can be bitter and celebrated, so can I.
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
Self-cleaning conscience
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!