Actually it’s pronounced “jaslight” – you’ve been saying it wrong the whole time
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I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
Someone 20yrs younger than me was flirting with me & asked for my phone number. I thanked him & said that’s a bit too Demi and Ashton for me, but it was very sweet of him.
Reader, he was too young to know who I was talking about.
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
Being a goldfish must be brilliant. Every six seconds you’re pleasantly surprised to find that you live in a castle.
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight