Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
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*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
Just this preview of the story is enough
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money