Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
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me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
This squirrel eats better than I do
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
since there are no other vulcans on the enterprise and the crew has no comparison Spock could be and probably is bullshitting them most of the time
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
A person on the check out saw my son holding a dinosaur toy & tried to play with him saying “ahh will it eat me!?” & he just looked at her, with the straightest, most confused face ever, and said “no, it’s a herbivore” 😂 #Autism
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.