Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
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Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
A tattoo artist wants to practice doing chrome tattoos so I’m letting her give me a chrome tattoo for free tomorrow. I’m sure it will be fine
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.