Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
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Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.