Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

her: so do you have air conditioning

me: no, only fans

Dear plastic wrap,

I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.

– me

USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE

When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”

I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.

Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.

I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake

Me: I would love to sleep with you

Her: ok I think we’re ready for this

[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]

Black Friday “markdowns” like

HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY

Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.

Me: I’m smart!

Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!

Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal

My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…

Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.

[seafood restaurant]

CHEF: where are my shellfish?!

ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you

The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.

If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.

“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”

*turns off lights*

*giggles*

Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.

Sincerely, every parent everywhere.

women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close

Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working

We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls

Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.

I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.

Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.

Wife: I know. It’s awful.

Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…

Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.

Moments before my plane doors closed this guy rushes on and goes “I MADE IT BOYS” and like 10 dudes scattered around the plane started cheering and he high fived them all as he went to his seat. Their boys weekend in Bozeman is about to be a feature film

*on hold for over an hour

That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.

Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.

olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics

DOG 911: what’s your emergency?

DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller

DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY

in high school i thought it would be the funniest thing to have someone dressed in a scooby mascot costume come to my wedding and just behave like a normal, shy guest and not let anyone photograph the ceremony. then, years later, gaslight everyone there who said that happened