Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..

Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.

Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.

bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.

We buried my grandmother, yesterday.

She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.

Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.

my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza

lab staff: what is ..peet-za?

my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating

Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich

Me: You too!

Subway Guy:

Me:

Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now

When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.

[bank]

me: this is a stick up!

bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around

me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed

bank teller: lol first time?

me: is it that obvious?

bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie

Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much

Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count

me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol

waiter:

me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha

waiter: where are ur clothes

Stop correcting my vodkabulary

If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.

Writing fake murder confessions and sticking them in old pickle jars in the wall during this house remodel.

[dollar store orientation]

trainer: and how much does this cost?

me: um, a dollar?

trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day

Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.

girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?

her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?

Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.

WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again

ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew

[inventing flies]

GOD: make them eat shit

ANGEL: got it

GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world

ANGEL: ok who hurt you?

I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.

Land animals by legs:

0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.

Him: I missed you

Me: I missed you too

*we both reload our duelling pistols*

I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.

When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…

If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.

A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.