Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.

Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”

Me: “To see if I can read minds?”

I’m an asshole.

Sent from my Apple Watch

“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened

Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane

Me: “Want a banana?”

3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”

[Before the ten commandments were handed down]

Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?

Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea

My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.

Edward norton: what’s your power

Me: I recast avenger characters

Mark ruffalo: wait wut

Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.

Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.

[HIGH SCHOOL]

teacher: you’ll use calculus one day

[AGE 40]

me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know

When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”

22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”

29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”

I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.

Calories in one pistachio: 4

Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753

Take that, kale.

My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”

In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest

As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.

*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*

#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!

Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood

“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds

Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.

What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?

[at a funeral home]

ME: One death please

what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet

Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes

Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes

I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012

7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.

“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”

–Pluto, the former planet