me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
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I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
oh u like history? name everything that happened
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
it’s the silliest best thing
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.