Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.

Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.

Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.

Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?

Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.

I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.

I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.

Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.

[first date at restaurant]

ME: so, do you like dogs?

HER: I’m more of a-

ME: CHECK PLEASE

When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.

Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road

My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.

What do you call a reluctant potato?

A hesitater.

I’ve disappointed better people.

I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.

Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.

pitch: he’s a man who’s a doctor

tv execs: go on

pitch: but he is better than other doctors

tv execs: *nodding enthusiastically*

pitch: because of his Condition

tv execs: *sobbing, screaming, foaming at the mouth* this must be the only kind of show on the air from now on

If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994

One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for

Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station

Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.

left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it

harry potter: i’m depressed

dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it

harry: yeah

dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets

Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out

In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.

Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered

When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent

[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”

⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.

🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:

This is setting unrealistic beauty standards for men. We can’t all kill someone