Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
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In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
My what?
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.