Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.

every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion

As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.

AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.

So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits

I say yeah I do…

And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀

Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw

Me: I’d kill for your body.

Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…

Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder

Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”

Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.

I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)

7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.

I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.

I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.

Celine Dion: all by myself

CDC: good

CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself

CDC: sorry but them’s the rules

I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.

The only thing limiting what you can put in a sandwich is your imagination and the laws of physics.

To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.

wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?

Him: You have such a beautiful soul.

Me: It’s photoshopped.

[inventing flies]

GOD: make them eat shit

ANGEL: got it

GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world

ANGEL: ok who hurt you?

me: sorry if I’m bothering you

lifeguard pulling me to shore: what

Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started

terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth

Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”

God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.

Angel: What do you call it?

God: A toddler.

The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.

Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’

The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.

I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”

I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”

How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now

“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”

*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*