Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
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“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
I’m never leaving this app.
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
if you guys saw this outside of a bar, would you come in? please be honest
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
Hey pals! I’ve been on a break from making comics but you can read two new ones right here:
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?