Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
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“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
A potential new client told me I reminded him of his first wife, “but in a good way.”
When we finished the consult and I told him my retainer he said, “I take back what I said about you reminding me of my first wife in a good way. You remind me of my first wife in every way.”
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
Whoever said “out of sight, out of mind” never had a spider disappear inside their tent.
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
My favorite condiment is Worcestershire sauce. Why? It’s hard to say.
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?