Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.

all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second

I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.

Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”

This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.

me: will you please pass the bee barf?

wife: please stop calling the honey that.

I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.

“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War

Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency

Today and my dermatologist husband stopped a European man buying sunscreen, saying “I’m not trying to be weird, but that is not the sunscreen for you. I’m a dermatologist.” This man ended up picking out what husband recommended and said “you have great skin so I must trust you.”

When I was a little girl, I always dreamed of growing up to satisfy user needs in a way that meets business goals for transformative outcomes

Fact: In the U.K., many Air Traffic Controllers don’t work in airports, but in buildings miles away. Whereas in France, most Air Traffic Controllers don’t work at all.

My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.

ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse

COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?

ME: It’s like a big, fast dog

It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.

I went to the candle store today.

They were having a blowout sale.

If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.

An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.

Wanna hear a joke?

Sleep.

I know, I don’t get it either.

thinking about a very short hotdog

making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this

“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out

Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.

Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?

This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.

I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.

“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”

-person who invented hand dryers

My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”

I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.

NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.

Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.