Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.

Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?

ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.

My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”

Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”

her: what’s your fantasy?

me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me

her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy

me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon

You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!

Cop –

So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you

torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*

me: please, no! I have a baby!

torturer: how old?

me: three months

torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that

ME: I’m giving you to the count of three

SON: does he have a castle?

My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.

911: what’s your emergency?

me: I taught my Dad how to text

911: the problem ma’am?

me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”

Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁

10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]

<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.

I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw

In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties

I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.

I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae

Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.

Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.

DRP: Muahahaha!

CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.

DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.

CR: Kreeptonite.

DRP: *weakens further*.

Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.

Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.

Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.

Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket

Dollar General is too expensive for me. I’m looking for the 50 Cent Lieutenant Colonel.

daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know

[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]

i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas

Walked through a haunted house and just kept muttering to myself about how much I liked the aesthetic of each room, like I was shopping for a house. And then a guy with a chainsaw would jump out or something and I would be like ok geez

Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.

Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time

“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”

-my phone

BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job

When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.

You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.