Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed

I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.

i love fleetwood mac, but “thunder only happens when it’s raining” is just categorically untrue

I visited one of those so-called “wind farms” recently. Virtually no wind being produced. If anything, it was using up the wind that was already there. Complete waste of time.

* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…

Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me!

[Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting

4: Water!

Me: Ask me nicely

4: Actually, I’ll get it myself

craving $300 all of a sudden

TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger

hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!

adorable snowman: rawr

hikers: awwww

*starts eating them*

hikers: AWWWW

Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.

These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.

When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said

*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?

I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread

does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything

[at the spelling bee]

moderator: your word is parole

me: can you use it in a sentence?

moderator: depends what you’re in for

Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.

[Baby shower]

Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.

Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES

[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]

Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS

Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?

I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.

people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.

My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.

you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser

“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids

Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.

I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.