Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.

a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!

My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.

deleted bumble, instead i’m just going to walk into trader joe’s and look confused

Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target

FUN FACT:

Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.

[after drug rehab]

Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield

Garfield: *normal cat noises*

If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either

You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?

You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.

when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.

People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.

me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles

dracula: venn

me: probably tomorrow

*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*

“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant

WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today

ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school

It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.

Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.

Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.

If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.

Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.

Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first

Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.

Me: No.

When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.

I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.

This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”

Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you

I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.

A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.

boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.

me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?

boss: yes of course but this is-

me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?

boss: -a funeral home.

Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.