Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
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If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
All-purpose flour out there like screw you single-use flours I can do anything
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
Yeah I can explain that gap on my resume – I tried to move a picture in Word
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.