Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
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Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
All is fair in drunk and war.
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.