Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
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Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
Whenever a news article says the world’s oldest person has died, they never mention the suspects. Who stands to gain from this? Did they have any enemies? What about the second oldest person? What’s their alibi?
It’s Journalism 101, people!
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
As someone who has fallen for one of the classic blunders, being involved in a land war in Asia, I can tell you that I can be tricked into almost anything
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.