Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
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Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
Actually it’s pronounced “jaslight” – you’ve been saying it wrong the whole time
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
No one judges you harder than a dental receptionist when you don’t know if you’ll be free at 2pm on a random Tuesday, in six months time.
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
Become a minion. Get that bread.
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
