Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
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Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs