Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
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I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend