[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
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It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
The 4 stages of a family vacation
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm