Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
actually these are my therapy bees i’m allowed to take them on the bus with me
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Jesus take the wheel
~ Mexicans stripping a car
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
You scream, I scream, we all scream, then I leave the women’s restroom.
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
Teacher: remember class, there are no stupid questions
Me: *raises hand*
Teacher: i just said, no stupid questions
Me: *lowers hand*
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind