@benicus_rex

actually these are my therapy bees i’m allowed to take them on the bus with me

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@1Happytwit

You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.

@TheBoydP

Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.

(I didn’t say best, I said creative)

@JennSlowpez

All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.

@weinerdog4life

You scream, I scream, we all scream, then I leave the women’s restroom.

@LoveNLunchmeat

STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?

@fro_vo

Teacher: remember class, there are no stupid questions
Me: *raises hand*
Teacher: i just said, no stupid questions
Me: *lowers hand*

@MaraWilson

The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind