actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
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[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
Twitter is the new flypaper.
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
We have reached my favorite portion of the Thanksgiving program. My mother just yelled, “There’s too many people in this GotDamn kitchen. Now get out and get ready to say the blessing.”
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.