Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Have fun on your date.

Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?

Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?

EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.

I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.

You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.

*6 opens piggy bank*

Me: wtf where’d you get all that?

6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know

Attacked by a mop.

H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.

M: okay

H: That’s it, okay?

M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.

H: What?

M: What?

“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”

“maroon 5”

Me: [going in for a hug]

Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK

When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.

I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.

Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.

[First day of jury duty]

*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?

Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise

Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?

Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what

I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them

HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK

HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK

HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK

HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK

HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES

HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING

OHHHHHHHH

how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames

Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?

My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.

Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’

Psychology says:

People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”

[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?

[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me

[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still

ad for vacations:

how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else

Mine in the November 4, 2024 issue of The New Yorker

Me: 🎶I don’t wanna work
I wanna bang on my drum all day
Every day when I get home from work
I feel so frustrated, the boss is a jerk
I get my sticks and go out to the shed
And I pound on that drum like it was the boss’s head
Because-🎶

Boss: Reminder to mute yourselves, please

– Are you upset?

Typing…

Typing…

Typing…

Typing…

– No.

If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.

“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”

I’m giving up for Lent.