Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
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My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
Santa punched a hole in my wall because I left him soy milk
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
*jingles half the way*
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty