Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
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wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
Maggie Smith, Britain’s last coal-powered actor
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.