Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here

Not much more embarrassing than going to play hoops with a friend and they’re thinking basketball and you’ve guessed hula.

Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.

‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’

–Me, every 45 minutes

To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.

My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.

Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.

Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.

If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.

[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?

[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me

I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.

*Love in the time of coronavirus*

Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?

If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.

son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka

My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.

going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again

‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.

My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.

I’m taking my box of wine back and filing a complaint.
It said once opened it would last 6 weeks, but it was gone after 2 hours.
Cheers🍷

Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.

Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”

Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.

Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.

“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin

*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door

*hears the word “sex”

*turns down my TV

Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?

Me: They’re for my meeting at work.

Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?

Me: And?

[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]

Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”

me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”

If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.

ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.

They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.

I have to work tomorrow.